This Club

Infertility never leaves you. Once you get summoned to this club, you’ll always be a part of it, no matter how hard you try to leave it.
 
I got some mail today from my IVF Clinic. It was forms to fill out in regard to our next action plan with our remaining embryos. Either keep them frozen for another year, donate them to another couple, donate them to science or discard them. I immediately got emotional. Big, huge tears streamed down my cheeks. None of the options seem right. Except for keeping them frozen for another year. I can do that. But I know that that is just a short-term solution and we’ll inevitably have to make a hard call one day.
 
What makes this decision all the more real is the fact that our twin girls were once frozen embryos. They survived the thaw and all the craziness that comes with the process of then becoming part of me again. Part of us. I wish that my future could be in God’s hands. In other words, he could make the call if I get pregnant again. But my tubes are gone, and our path has been different. We joined forces to create more than what was necessary. And now we have to dig deep and pay tribute in the best way we find possible.
 
When it comes to this whole process- the beginning, middle and end, it never gets easier. Infertility will always be a part of me. Engraved in my heart, laced in every feeling I have and the reason I’ve chose to embody this as my life going forward. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in decisions like these. That the other members of this tribe are right alongside me, knowing exactly how I feel.