Bean #1

Things don’t always go as planned.

I wish someone would have told me that the first round of IVF may not be successful. Although, I suppose no one is going to just come out and invite you into a space of doubt when you’re about to take the big expensive and emotional plunge. But I guess a bit of reality might have helped. Especially with the big blow we faced 7 weeks later. 

Looking back, I always had a gut feeling that it was all too good to be true. Something didn’t feel right. I told people I was pregnant prematurely and when they said congratulations, I usually replied with a simple thanks. I didn’t feel the excitement that I thought I’d have- especially after all this time.

During a certain timeframe in the earliest days of the pregnancy, our doctor informed us that we should be expecting a heartbeat. There wasn’t one. She set an appointment to come back in a week and do one more check in hopes of more development. 

That week was agonizing. When it was confirmed there wasn’t a heart beat I instantly broke out in sobs. Heart wrenching, hyperventilating sobs. Since I was going to miscarry, I found it easier to just have the hospital put me to sleep and let me wake up to the next chapter. I didn’t have it in me to do it any other way. This picture was taken before I was wheeled into the OR for the D&C. 

Everything up to this point is enough to make someone want to quit. Pure torture and yet over the next 3 months I conjured up the faith to do it all again. 

And, I did do it again. But this time we got Bristol and Saylor. 🌈🌈